saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
