I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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