I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
