I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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