my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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