Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
