Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
