Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
