More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
