It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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