This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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