so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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