this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I am midnight drunk by noon
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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