You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
