Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
