I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
