happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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