if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
