The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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