i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
