my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
