Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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