the condom got lost in my hair
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
she peed on how many people?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
