I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
