come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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