I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
