he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
