Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
