you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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