I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
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Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
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Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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