Soap is not a condiment
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
The Olympian is in my bed
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
