I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
