Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Randomize
