I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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