Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
