I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
