theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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