I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
