This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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