This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You've changed since you got that strap on
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
