He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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