my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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