i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
