I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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