he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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