how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
