I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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