A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
