Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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