I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
