Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
smell my finger.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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