Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
