brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
