I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
