dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
