we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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