My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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