If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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