i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Dear god my vagina.
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