I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize