Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
