i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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