My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We need to get me chipped asap
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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