Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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